Marriage/ Relationships
Yesterday I was talking to a friend and we ended up talking about marriage issues and issues when in committed relationships. I carried the conversation over to twitter and it got really interesting.
I want to ask y'all what would y'all do.
When going through hard times in a marriage/committed relationship do you talk about those things or do you keep them to yourself?
Especially when you are a blogger or into social networking? Do you find one friend to talk to about the situation or do you keep it to yourself?
I have a friend I've known since childhood and she was going through some hard stuff. LIKE HARD STUFF. She came and stayed with me and we laughed and talked it up all night. Had a fantastic time and I NEVER knew what was going on.
MONTHS later she told me about her situation. I was devistated. I was hurt mainly because she was hurting. Someone on twitter asked me if that made me question our friendship. I told them no. Not at all.
I did ask her why she didn't say anything about it and she told me it was because she didn't want to speak life into the situation. She felt like if she didn't say anything and just pray about it, it would get better.
I totally respect that.
The general answer on twitter was that they wouldn't say anything. Especially if going through marital problems. One person said when she is reading blogs and she reads of marital problems it makes her uneasy. She said if she were married she would keep it between her and her spouse.
Same here. I tell y'all a lot but if Tony and I were on the rocks, I'd never open my mouth. Not ever lol.
I'd keep it going. Keep posting, keep living life lol.
I have told y'all (or maybe my twitter fam) that I've wanted to choke him but ummm lol I'm sure he has wanted to do the same to me lol.
I've mentioned before that after being together since 1993 and married for almost 14 years, if we could have gone through it WE HAVE lol.
So umm yeah lol. That was good convo yesterday. So what would y'all do?
Inquiring minds want to know… Shoot "I" want to know lol.
MrsSaditty/ 23.11.2010
I am one who does not keep things under wraps. Recently, I had a marriage issue and was venting on Twitter. Two people who I usually don’t talk to much came forward and contacted me. They had both been in nearly identical situations and were able to talk me through. IMO, you never know who has walked in your shoes.
Dana/ 23.11.2010
I am a very private person when it comes to marriage, like you, I could be on the verge of divorce and I would not SAY A THING. Simply because I don’t like people all up in my business! Some people may genuinely feel bad for you, but you may have people who gloat! Either way, i choose to keep shit to myself. I have one cousin, Cherrone, that I confide everything in! She knows everything, I can talk to her AND she will JUST LISTEN…sometimes that’s all a person wants is to be heard.
Marriage is just like a job, you have to work at it…..but you also need to know when it’s time give a person their pink slip, when it’s time too! Right now my marriage is good! I love my hubby to death and I know he loves me, we have been together almost 21 years…..but we have had our fair share of ROCKY times! But, we chose to keep going, and I am glad we did!
Rachelle/ 23.11.2010
I’ve only been married a year and I guess I haven’t been through anything in that short amount. As I think about it I would do exactly what my pastor suggested in our pre-marital counseling sessions. If I had to vent to anybody it would be to my pastor. I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling anyone else because I don’t believe anyone can really keep your secrets.
TJ/ 23.11.2010
I think it depends on the situation, but in general I don’t discuss most of my marriage issues online. I have sisters (both biological and not) and a mother who I would discuss it with but a lot of what goes on in my house does not go outside that circle if it gets that far. I think that for me it just keeps drama down – being selective about who I allow into my relationship.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Tj I agree. I dont discuss most of those type issues on here either. I had my mom go through some hard stuff but I never mentioned it on here. I confided in a very close friend and left it at that. I dont think some things need to be said online lol. I 100% agree with being selective of who you allow into your relationship. Been there DONE THAT lol.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Rachelle awwww you are still a newly wed. I remember those days! You are right, people dont keep secrets. So its best to keep them to yourself. Would you vent just to your pastor or is his wife in on the conversation too?
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Dana marriage IS work and you def get out of it what you put in. You are right about listening. Sometimes you do need to talk about it but Ive learned- even in that you have to be careful.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Mrs.Saditty you are right about never knowing. SOMETIMES Ill share the super personal about what Ive been through or what Im going through with someone when Im seriously lead to do it. Maybe they are about to make a mistake I made or something along those lines. In those cases I share, but that doesnt happen very often at all.
Renee/ 23.11.2010
I can relate to why your friend didn’t say anything about her marital problems. Last year my dad got really sick and I didn’t tell one of my best friends who lives out of state. This might sound crazy, but I thought that as long as one person just assumed that I was alright and everything was happy, it gave me hope that I would be alright and everything would be happy. So in one person’s mind, at least, I was OK. Sounds weird, I know, but it provided some relief until my dad got on the road to recovery.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Renee it doesnt sound weird at all. That was part of the way she was thinking also, so its understandable. Sometimes in a situation that isnt so good, it does provide relief.
Elaray/ 23.11.2010
I’m in the “keep it to yourself” group. I talked to a friend about relationship issues and she turned out to be “less than a friend”. (She didn’t go after my man -it wasn’t like that) I felt betrayed and it made me more cautious. People offer advice based on their own experiences and those experiences may not be yours. Now, I just tell God.
Tracy/ 23.11.2010
I totally agree with your friend. After being married for 24+ years, your marrage issues are just that Yours! As long as you learn to communicate even the toughest issues between you and your spouse almost everything can be worked out. When you get girlfriends (single or not), sisters, and even mom in the mix you are only asking for confusion and trouble. Only you know your mate well enough to make decisions on your lives together.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Elaray I feel you. God can do what people cant!
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Tracy you are a seasoned married woman (what my grandma says lol) You are right. Communication is KEY! I remember once years ago Tony and I had a fight, the first thing I did was went home to tell my mom. She PROMPTLY turned me around and told me to handle it with him. It had nothing to do with her lol. I appreciate that now. Im glad she isnt the type to get all up in my business.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Tracy you are a seasoned married woman (what my grandma says lol) You
are right. Communication is KEY! I remember once years ago Tony and I
had a fight, the first thing I did was went home to tell my mom. She
PROMPTLY turned me around and told me to handle it with him. It had
nothing to do with her lol. I appreciate that now. Im glad she isnt
the type to get all up in my business.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Tracy you are a seasoned married woman (what my grandma says lol) You are right. Communication is KEY! I remember once years ago Tony and I had a fight, the first thing I did was went home to tell my mom. She PROMPTLY turned me around and told me to handle it with him. It had nothing to do with her lol. I appreciate that now. I’m glad she isn’t the type to get all up in my business.
Tiffany In Houston/ 23.11.2010
I don’t have much to contribute since I have been married a little less than 2 months but my husband is very sensitive about going outside our marriage to discuss our issues. He had a HUGE problem with that in his 1st marriage and is extremely admamant about me not doing that. I wasn’t planning on involving anyone in our marital business anyway but I would pray about it. If it got really bad and I didn’t know what to do or needed some guidance I would react out to a married friend who was in a GOOD marriage, for a few pointers. I wouldn’t involved my family at all as they are very biased toward their respective children.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Tiffany, I appreciate your imput. Tony is like that. He could care less about me blogging as long as I dont get TOO personal. I can chit chat alll day long but I cant and wont give out too many personal details about the family or our relationship. I talk about a lot on here but there is a ton I dont share.
Erica B./ 23.11.2010
Great post! After 19 years of marriage, I’ve learned to discuss my marriage ONLY with my husband. I don’t need anyone’s advice (which is based on their experience or that of someone they know) clouding my judgment. I find that other’s opinions cause me to lose “my voice”. And like you said, after almost 20 years, we’ve been through everything under the sun and worked it out ourselves… without help from the peanut gallery.
Sidenote: As far as friends and marriages, I don’t want to know. If your S/O did something dumb, keep it to yourself. Because once y’all kiss and make up, I’m still going to be giving him the side-eye for that dumb thing.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@ Erica EXACTLY!!! You will no longer see the good in that person. All you will see is what they did lol. Well, I would anyway lol
Peacockchic/ 23.11.2010
I wasn’t originally going to comment as I am not married, but since I tend to me the recipient of nearly all my family and friends issues, martial or otherwise, I just wanted to chime in a little.
Two main reason I would not, and don’t necessarily encourage others to speak about their marital/relationship issues are (1) that means you are NOT speaking to the person you are having the issue with. If it is just momentary venting that is one thing, but if this is a persistent issue I often encourage them to stop speaking to me and use that energy to try another method to communicate with their loved one. (2) You often damage others view of that person and chances are you are going to get back together. Once you start forcing people to take sides it is very hard for them to see anything else in that person and therefore you have planted a very negative seed that can be hard to uproot.
But that is just my two cents ;O)
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Peacockchic I appreciate your perspective and imput. I agree w/ planting a seed! SOOO TRUE!
Buttahfly/ 23.11.2010
Ok, I’m not married. And I’m a little hesitant to comment since I see so many twitter posts/blog posts about heffas with no man who can’t keep a man longer than 30 seconds giving marraige advise. But here we go.
Don’t use me as your trash can girlfriend. If you’re coming to me about something I have to assume it’s because you want my advice. I understand just wanting to vent, but over and over? You must want help changing. Well, I learned the hard way that this is not always the case. Say one bad thing about her man, the bad thing SHE told you and she’ll be all over your ass.
Public service announcement. I am not here for you to use as your emotional garbage can whenever you please. Being freinds with you has helped me realize that when and if I ever do get married, I will NOT be sharing my marraige problems with you. I will not be speaking life into the situation and will pray about it.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Buttahfly You make a very valid point! Venting truly is one thing but when you constantly complain about the same situation that is something different. Ive done that before and REGET ever saying anything. Ive learned the hard way to keep it between me and Tony lol.
Neecha/ 23.11.2010
I was in a horrible marriage and I never said anything about it to anyone but my pastor in marriage counseling. If I was married today I wouldn’t share my problems because marriages have problems and long after we solve those problems and heal those riffs our friends and family will still be angry. Plus if those friends aren’t on the same page as you are spiritually they can really give you some BAD advice and speak death into your relationship.
Adrienne/ 23.11.2010
@Neecha **THIS** Plus if those friends arent on the same page as you are spiritually
they can really give you some BAD advice and speak death into your
relationship.
Hidi/ 23.11.2010
I am not married so I don’t know if I should answer this question. In my humble opinion, if I had marital problems I would keep it to myself. I rather discuss it with my spouse than involve a third party because it can get really messy. I have seen it happen.
Unrelated note: I love your blog so inspirational. 🙂
Diva (in Demand)/ 23.11.2010
Looks like I’m in the minority. I turned to my best friend when we first started having problems because I needed advice and just to stop holding all that stuff in. And when I did try to hold it in I damn near went nuts. I had the same thoughts that everyone else did….especially about “if we make up she won’t look at us the same” but I don’t ever want to have a friend who blows up from holding all those emotions in when I was right here for her to talk to.
robin/ 23.11.2010
I would tell my friends over email or IRL but I wouldn’t post explicitly about it. However, I’ve hinted in the past (and probably wouldn’t again.)
Hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving!
Marlena/ 24.11.2010
Well, I was actually in a really bad relationship for a long time, and during that time I started blogging and twittering and facebooking, and through it all I never said a word. I never even made an announcement on my blog when we broke up, I just said something about having some changes. I, like your friend, also didn’t mention anything to but one friend (not even my brother and sister who I’m really close to), because I knew what their advice would be and I wasn’t ready to hear it/take it. I guess for me, a relationship is between two people, no matter how bad it is or looks from the outside. When you announce deeply personal things via blogging or social networking, where hundreds of people will read your thoughts, you’re inviting people to make comment on it and have no room to complain when someone offers their opinion. Also, you run the risk of your sig other or spouse seeing what you wrote and being hurt. I certainly wouldn’t want to know that my boyfriend (if I had one) was complaining about me or telling personal details of our relationship to hundreds of virtual strangers. So, that’s my $2! Ha ha I didn’t mean to go on so long!
Netta Boo/ 24.11.2010
I always try to keep it on a positive note when giving advice to others that are having problems. I never berate or talk negative about their S/O. When the dust clears and everything is fine with the couple they will remember the negative stuff and think that you were out to break them up. It is best to just listen. In my case, I’m very private and if I was having a problem, I would not discuss with anyone except my husband-not even my pastor which BTW has been married three times.
Virginia J/ 25.11.2010
I have been married for the last 19 years and it always depends on the situation. Sometimes I do not have the answers to questions I have and I have to confied in someone I may think does. If I know the answer is to leave him if we are having a big problem I would definitely choose someone else. But you can’t keep everything in, sometimes you need to share and it should be with someone whose opinion you trust. Think about it if you are having an argument with hubby whose side do you think he is going to take(his) that is why there is an argument sometimes you need another point of view. Then again there are things you need to keep to yourself. But never let the pot boil over where it is too hot to handle.
Sarah B/ 26.11.2010
It really depends on what’s going on… I talk with close friends, but I try to keep an eye on whether all I’m doing is complaining – that tells you something! I’d never put it on a public site.
I was in a relationship with someone for a while who wrote about our arguments and problems on a blog – where I could see it! That was a terrible, destructive thing, very hurtful.
Tany/ 03.12.2010
I’m not having problems other than normal disagreements once in a while… But I’ve been through a lot in the past. I like to keep things to myself, especially if it involves another person or persons. I would talk with a close friend, depending on the situation, but that’s all.